Marriage – A Relationship Like No Other

Therefore a man shall leave his father and mother and hold fast to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh. So they are no longer two but one flesh. What therefore God has joined together, let not man separate.

Mark 10:7-9 ESV

            Marriage is a joyous, scary, overwhelming, fantastic, delightful, beautiful, wonderful, powerful union of a man and a woman who have pledged their love for each other and entwined their lives together for life. This covenant relationship is not like any other relationship on earth. Dennis Rainey, founder of FamilyLife, describes the difference between a contract and a covenant this way, “A contract has an end date. A covenant is permanent. A contract usually specifies a part of a person’s property or services. A covenant involves a person’s total being, which in marriage means a commitment that extends beyond performance, health issues, and financial prosperity to a promise of lifelong fidelity.” Marriage is the most intimate, revealing, giving, vulnerable, real relationship an individual can ever be a part of.

            I have been married to my amazing husband since 2005. The road we have traveled on over the last seventeen years has been full of potholes, yield signs, roadside rests, work crews, and the occasional mama duck leading her ducklings back to safety. Our marriage started as so many do with fairy tale dreams of the future. As Karen Ehman describes it in her book Keep Showing Up, “I had imagined a relationship of big-screen marital bliss. Candlelit dinners. Surprise bouquets of wildflowers. Holding hands at the movies. Moonlit strolls along a lovely path.” The reality of marriage, for me, was much different than any fairy tale I had ever read or any movie I had ever seen up to that point in my life. Marriage was not just about me and my feelings and what I wanted out of my husband.

            Marriage, it turned out, wasn’t for the selfish-hearted. To be married meant I had to become other-centered, even when my husband wasn’t. For me, the reality of hard work, financial worries, family illness, distance from relatives, and no friends was just too much. I became another person when I was put into circumstances that were too much for me to handle, especially without another “safe” person to turn to with my troubles and heartaches, worries and fears. My behavior became harsh, sometimes even physically harmful, toward my husband. I had entered into a place and become a person I didn’t want to be. My heart ached. I felt hopeless, sad, confused.

            The truth is, though, that God was there with us the whole time. He saw what was happening between us, and when the doubts came to our minds about whether we had made the right decision or not…He never doubted. You know why? Because He was the one who had brought us together. He was the one who had used eHarmony to connect us. He saw the big picture and knew that my husband and I were right for each other, despite our rough start. Through two separations equaling about one year, God sustained us, worked on us, challenged us, honed us. And, just over eighteen months after we were married, we bought a house and came back together.

            Our new home became what I came to call “our house of restoration.” It was a place where things weren’t perfect, where baby steps were still needed, where healing from hurts and heartaches could happen, where walking on eggshells was no longer necessary, where we could fall down and get back up again. We found a church home that welcomed us in, that encouraged our restoration, that didn’t point fingers. We found a deeper connection with God and with each other sooner than some other newlyweds do. And we got a lot of the crud out of the way right up front.

            Because of our trials, missteps, hurts, and heartaches, my husband and I have a deep desire to see other couples thrive in their marriages. We know the struggles are real. We’ve dealt with miscarriage, anger issues, anxiety, geography, the loss of family members, and the everyday concerns of finances, childrearing, what to cook for dinner, where to go on vacation, and on and on.

            For us, dating in marriage is crucial to keeping us connected to each other, away from the temptation to pick on each other’s annoying quirks, aware of each other’s needs, able to discuss challenges, and, most importantly, in love. According to my husband, dating after marriage is important because it keeps things fresh and shows that you’re still interested and willing to pursue your spouse. “Plus,” he says, “it’s just a lot of fun.” I’ve often thought over the years of our marriage that once you’ve been caught and tied the knot the dull, unavoidable routineness of married life sets in, but it doesn’t need to be that way and, truly, it shouldn’t be that way.

            Committing, through the covenant of marriage to be with your spouse for the rest of your life, indicates that you enjoy spending time together and are willing to work hard at making it the best marriage it can possibly be. Over a series of blog posts, I would like to talk with you about dating in marriage and what that looks like, with an emphasis on at-home dates for those that don’t have a babysitter available or the funds to go out regularly. A date can be so many things and involve all sorts of unique features. You and your honey do not need to spend every at-home date night curled up on the couch in front of the TV watching a show or a movie or the continuous fire video. There are other options. I promise. I also hope to share important once-a-year dates with you and unique group date options you can do with one to three other married couples.

To ponder and discuss:

1.      What makes your marriage special?

2.      What hard things have you gone through in your marriage that strengthened your bond with God and with each other?

3.      Do you think your marriage could benefit from regular date nights? Why or why not?

4.      What have been some of your favorite dates over the years? Is it time to revisit one of those dates? If so, which one?

Prayer:

            Dear Lord, thank you for the marriage you have blessed us with. We are so thankful for each other and the friendship we have. Remind us of the blessings of our marriage and help us to continue to strive for Your best in our marriage. In Jesus’ name we pray. Amen.