Quiet in His Love

I'm sitting here in my living room thinking about the list of events happening this week. The events that I need to drive to. Places my children need to be. An event my husband doesn't want to miss by doing the driving. It isn't the fear of driving that gets me. It's the fear of having an attack...a panic attack. It sucks! Blunt...yes. True...100 times yes. Questions swirl...Why...? I have no answers. Only more questions. More worries. More roadblocks. More hurdles to find a way around since jumping over them feels beyond impossible. This is not me. Yet, it is happening inside me. What will help? Better food choices? More sleep? Walks every day? Less caffeine? More water? Oh how I wish I had answers. Praying feels undoable...feels forced...feels unwieldy. This is not me. Where is the lady who likes to meet a friend for coffee? The lady who enjoys a drive out in the country? The lady who enjoys taking her family to the places they need to go? The lady who can and has bee...

Today, I am living challenged. I am challenged by anxiety, by stress, by my mind. Have you ever been challenged by those things? It feels as though the whole world, at least in your mind, is spinning completely out of control. I hate it. Most people, I think, don't want to talk about anxiety, about worry, about fear. It makes them look weak or less somehow. Why? Should it? Does it need to? Oh, if only... If only we could all pretend all the time that everything is "perfect." Would that help the situation? Change the reality? No. It would be a lie. Nobody wants that. I hope not anyway. Oh, friends, please be kind to yourself and others. This road I am on feels long, uneven, filled with potholes, scattered with booby traps, and hard...so very hard. When life narrows to a small focus and it feels like every thing that used to be a joy no longer is, you may feel the need to throw your hands up and cry out. It's okay to do so. Truly. I won't judge you...hopefully other...

It's been too long since I've hopped on here and shared my heart with all of you. Life, lately, has felt overwhelming, scary, anxiety-ridden. Things that normally don't get me worked up or cause anxiety in me have started to again. Strong anxiety and even panic attacks have been an on-again off-again thing with me over the years...even in my teens. Now, as a woman almost halfway through my forties, I feel as though I should be a "big girl" with a certificate of graduation from all things anxiety and fear. Honestly, I think sometimes my increase in age also contributes to my increase in anxiety and fear and "Oh wow, I messed up and can't do it over" moments. Why? Can I blame hormones? Maybe. Can I blame too much caffeine? Probably a contributor. Can I blame Satan? I imagine on some level I can. Can I blame...? Will placing blame help me in this moment? Unlikely. What will help me? Refocusing... Yes, refocusing. At least, it will help to some degree. Y...

This morning, my husband and I went on a drive to Rochester just so I could get my picture taken with other women who had contributed to a devotional book. Just over an hour to drive one way for a photo. I thought it was a bit excessive, but in my heart I really wanted to go get my picture taken with the other ladies who had been chosen for publication. My husband knows me well and took the time to bless me with a drive and a coffee on the way home. He made his way into the event location filled to brimming with women, and maybe a handful of other men, so that I could do something that would bring my heart joy. I am very blessed! Sometimes joy comes in the simplest of things: having your picture taken, receiving a handmade card from a child or friend, getting a text from your mom, seeing a picture from years ago flash across your screen. What a gift it is to find joy in the little things. Yes, our two hours away from home turned into four, and there were challenges along the way, inclu...

How has it been two years? Two years without your laughter, your corny jokes, your deep wisdom, your encouraging words...two years without your meal time prayers, your hugs, your special knock on the door, your dreams of the future...two years without you. How can it be true? We have gone through the seasons, through birthdays, through holidays, through ups and downs...all without you. You are experiencing things beyond our imaginations, and we are experiencing life in a new form, a new way. Heart hurts, belly laughs, new memories made...all without you. I know that the pain will lessen...it will become easier... At least that's what I'm supposed to believe. The truth is that if I let myself think too much about how you left us, my heart will not be at rest, peace will flee. When will I have peace? When will life be okay without you here to share in it with us? When will I trust the goodness of God again with my whole heart? You are missed. You have left behind a legacy - a her...

I am amazed at how quickly the last year and a half went by. I sometimes wonder how I meet each day knowing that the only way I'll see my dad is in a photo or a thought or a dream. I'll only hear him in my memories or dreams. It saddens me to think of all the opportunities that have gone by for my children to interact with their grandpa, for my mom to tell my dad a quote from the book she's reading, for me to hear his signature knock on our front door. Yet he is already home with his grandchildren, his father-in-law, his mother-in-law, and so very many others. He has seen things we struggle to imagine; he has joined the cloud of witnesses. He is now cheering, along with them, as the rest of us continue our race. Knowing that today was coming made me a bit sad. So this morning, rather spur of the moment, I decided to find ways to celebrate and honor my dad. The first way we honored him was by getting chocolate shakes - made with chocolate ice cream and chocolate syrup - the ...