Too Long...

It's been too long since I've hopped on here and shared my heart with all of you. Life, lately, has felt overwhelming, scary, anxiety-ridden. Things that normally don't get me worked up or cause anxiety in me have started to again. Strong anxiety and even panic attacks have been an on-again off-again thing with me over the years...even in my teens. Now, as a woman almost halfway through my forties, I feel as though I should be a "big girl" with a certificate of graduation from all things anxiety and fear. Honestly, I think sometimes my increase in age also contributes to my increase in anxiety and fear and "Oh wow, I messed up and can't do it over" moments. Why? Can I blame hormones? Maybe. Can I blame too much caffeine? Probably a contributor. Can I blame Satan? I imagine on some level I can. Can I blame...? Will placing blame help me in this moment? Unlikely. What will help me? Refocusing...

Yes, refocusing. At least, it will help to some degree. You see... I lost my way. I wandered off the path. That isn't to say that I went completely into the brambles and stickers and poison ivy. No, I haven't done that, but I have stepped off the path that brings me closer to Christ, closer to His heart, closer to His wisdom, closer to His understanding and support. I have hurt so much, and questioned and fretted, that I took my eyes off the One who can help me most and understands me best. He created me. He knit me together. He thought of me and my many unique, quirky, Jolene-esque parts, traits, characteristics. No one, not even my dear husband of 20 years, knows me as well as my Father. No one cares for me as much as or as well as He does. No one. He has seen the hurts, felt the tears, heard the questions. The question is: Do I want to accept His love, care, leading, encouragement, correction, direction, etc.? Do I want to embrace Him the way He embraces me? Yes!

Yes, I do. Sometimes, though, that is not easy. It is not. Struggles arise in my life, in my husband's life, in the lives of my children, in my mom's life, in a friend's life, and the list goes on. Struggles, hurts, worries, unfairness, trauma, sadness, so much difficulty... I am not the only one who hurts, who questions, who has had something precious taken from me in ugly circumstances. So why am I only self-focused? Why am I only thinking of myself and my hurts and my owies? I imagine I have mentioned this before...but truly being other-centered, other-focused is a beautiful thing. C. S. Lewis spoke of the idea in one of his books that I read years ago in college, and it has always stuck with me. It's a concept I seem to circle back to at different junctures in my life. When my focus falls from Christ and lands squarely on myself, it also, often, falls from those around me that need my attention, my care, my encouragement. A card in the mail, a hug, a smile, a "good job," a round of applause...whatever it might be. As I snuggle into my Abba Father and all He has for me, truly focusing on Him and connecting with Him, I will be more able to focus on others and sow into their lives. I will be infused with His love, His goodness, His kindness, His forgiveness, and therefore able to share that infusion with those around me that are in need of a simple, sweet moment of friendliness or generosity of heart.

Just typing away here to all of you out there has made me feel lighter, happier, maybe even a little joyful. It is good and it is hard, but life is also a very precious gift that we should live to the fullest of what God has for us...to do and to receive. Thank you for taking a few minutes to lean in with me over a cup of coffee or tea at a corner table in our favorite little cafe. I am so glad to know you. You are a unique creation of God. He loves you. He has a purpose for you. He thought of you and then took the time to knit you together with all the beautiful, wonderful, delightful elements that are you. Remember, you are special, you are cherished, you are cared for. Don't let the Enemy, your own thoughts, or the words of others ever take this knowledge and belief from you. You have value, you have worth...we all do!

Blessings, friends. Check in again soon.