Keep Love Alive – Date Your Spouse

 

 

Beloved, let us love one another, for love is from God, and whoever loves has been born of God and knows God. Anyone who does not love does not know God, because God is love.

I John 4:7-8 ESV

            An important way to keep love alive in marriage is through dating your spouse. It isn’t always easy to find time or make time for dating your spouse. And sometimes it’s even harder to find a trustworthy babysitter for your kids. There are some pluses to dating after marriage that I didn’t think about until I discovered an article by Dr. Gary and Barbara Rosberg. In it they explain how dating after marriage is a lot less stressful than dating before marriage because you don’t have to worry about “how to dress…[or] how to impress the other person.” The Rosbergs also share that dating your spouse means that “the person you’re going to date:

·         doesn’t care how…well you dress. He or she is used to you and loves you. Just being alone with you is treat enough!

·         has already seen you at your very worst – and loves you anyway.

·         doesn’t need to be impressed – because he or she loves you already.”

            The pressure is off when you date your spouse. You don’t have to worry about all the pre-marriage dating concerns. Your main focus should be engagement. The Parrotts, in 25 Ways To A Happier Marriage, say “researchers sometimes call [engagement] flow and it has to do with a state of being so wrapped up in an activity that we lose ourselves in it.” What a great way to explain that deep connection that triggers between you and your spouse when you’re playing your favorite game together, going on a hike together, tending to yard work together, or cooking dinner together. When you are both doing something together that you both enjoy, that flow kicks in and your bond grows stronger.

            I asked two friends for their thoughts on the importance of dating after marriage. Here are their thoughts:

·         “I have found that when I’m so focused on my children and other responsibilities, it’s easy to neglect my marriage. Dates give us a chance to feel close again, to feel like we are a team doing life together and not separately.” -Jennifer F.

·         “I believe as you continue to grow and changes take place, making your marriage a priority is vital to making it last. Dating is a great way to invest in your marriage.” -Samantha E.

            I also asked them what benefits they’ve experienced from dating their spouse.

·         “We feel closer and have so much fun. It brings a lightness and connectedness to our marriage. Our children see us spending time with one another and enjoying each other’s company.” -Jennifer F.

·         “We have had really fun times and times to discuss really hard things. I’ve benefited by being able to relax, just laugh, share my heart or cry without the demands of life.” -Samantha E.

            Marriage doesn’t magically grow and stay healthy on its own. We need to invest in our marriage and tend it. If we do not purposefully invest in our marriage through dating, the struggle to connect and truly know each other becomes that much harder.

            The wonderful thing is that dates come in all shapes, sizes, and varieties. They can be on the town, outside, at home, away for the weekend, with a group of other couples, a double date, free, expensive, and the list goes on. Dates vary as much or more than the couples going on the dates. One date may sound like a snooze fest to one couple but be just right for another. I believe there are some basic elements that every date should include (if at all possible):

1.      Hand-holding (Physical touch is a significant part of any marriage, especially affectionate, non-sexual touch.)

2.      Conversation (Talking about important topics or concerns is essential to a good marriage, but sometimes lighter conversation might be the best choice for a date. This depends a lot on what is happening in your lives and when the last time you had a date was.)

3.      Prayer (As a Christian, I find praying with my husband is imperative to our marriage and family going well. Praying together should happen every day, if possible, but make sure to make it a priority when you’re out on a date.)

4.      Fun (Yes, I believe that fun should be included in every date. The level of fun and amount of fun will vary, but putting some into your date helps to make it more memorable.)

            Do you and your spouse relate to the following statement from Gary Chapman, PhD? He says, in his introduction to 52 Uncommon Dates: A Couple’s Adventure Guide for Praying, Playing, and Staying Together, “We are creatures of habit, and we tend to get into ruts. Going to the same restaurants and doing the same thing date after date...” What can we do about the inevitable ruts that surface in dating after marriage? I recommend thinking outside the box or, in some cases, inside the box. A plethora of resources – books, websites, date night boxes – exist to help those couples that are stuck in a rut or that are idea-challenged. I know my husband and I would likely never think to “make candles with [each other]” as Selina Almodovar suggests for her “we are the light” date in Christian Dating Adventures: A Couple’s Guide, but that doesn’t make the date less appealing to us. In fact, unique date ideas are intriguing and challenging in a way. We think about whether or not we could actually do that activity and enjoy it. If someone else’s ideas are a bit overwhelming to you, then grab a piece of paper and a pen and start a list of things you’d love to do with your spouse. This list could include things that you each would like to learn and then take turns learning those things together.

            One of the joys of my marriage is that I get to spend time with my best friend every day. More than spending time with my best friend, I get to spend my life with him. What makes our life together sweeter is time spent doing something new together or doing something the other loves and really enjoying it together. It all points back to flow – engagement. Find those places and activities where flow happens for you and your spouse and embrace them.

To ponder and discuss (with paper and pencil handy):

1.      What would be on your top ten date list? Both husband and wife should answer separately, then compare notes.

2.      Is there something that you want to learn to do? Could you both learn together? (Examples might include: knitting, skiing, calligraphy, golf, cake decorating, archery,…)

3.      What is the most important basic date element (from the above list) to you and your spouse? How can you make sure to include that element (or those two elements) in every date?

4.      How might it be helpful to you to create a date list to work from? Or is it just easier to stay in a rut?

Prayer:

            Dear Lord, thank you for giving us each a best friend to spend life with. We are so thankful for the love we have for each other. Help us to continue to grow in our love for each other through time spent together in engagement and on dates. Show us new date options that will help us to get out of the rut we find ourselves in. In Jesus’ name we pray. Amen.