Through the Storms

Written after our first miscarriage.  I believe it was written in August, 2007.

Have you found yourself in the midst of a storm and wondered why you were there?  I have found myself recently in a situation that I never dreamed would occur in my life.  It was something I’ve heard of but never thought that my Heavenly Father would have me experience.  No matter what the horror was for me, I found myself in a storm of great magnitude.  I have joined the ranks of 25% of pregnant women, but the real truth is that I’ve joined every other human being on Earth.  How?  By the very nature of being submersed in a crisis that has enveloped my thoughts, my dreams, my very life.  Isn’t that where so many of us find ourselves on several occasions in life?  Don’t many of us decide that what that other person is going through will “never happen to me?”  What makes us so sure?  We think that because we follow a loving, kind, gracious, merciful God we will be spared from hurts, heartaches, and traumas.  It, I’m sorry to tell you, isn’t true.  I have racked my brain trying to understand why I find myself where I am, but no answers that I “like” have come to me.  In my human-scope, I want a child, but I must bring myself to the conclusion that a lot of us, if we were honest, don’t like — it’s in God’s timing.  So what does all of this mean for the average person who hasn’t experienced my storm?  It means the same thing to them that I have to accept that it means for me.  We all need to “count it all joy.”  I am telling myself this as much as anyone reading this.  I have, in my pain, pulled away from the one who can truly care for me.  I have hurt so much over my loss that I have turned bitter toward those in need around me.  I was once told by a pastor praying over me something that I certainly do not do as often as I should...sing praises to God.  She told me that when I’m in the middle of a storm I should start singing praises to God.  Sing whatever song or words come to mind.  What a great concept!  We have simple resources at our disposal, but the pain and hurt and heartache cause us to be engulfed, leaving little room for thoughts beyond those feelings.  I was also told recently by a very wise man that maybe the question shouldn’t be “why God?”  But rather the question should be “why God, what would you have me learn from this?”  Not a question we usually like to ask ourselves.  Don’t misunderstand me – I don’t have all the answers!  I’m still right in the midst of my storm (at least it feels that way), but I think that, if I put my focus where I should have had it all along, I’ll be okay.  We all have a tendency to forget in the storm that God is with us; He didn’t run off somewhere.  We are usually the ones that run off.  We will be His when it’s convenient (I know that better than most).  In church we read about Peter walking on the water in the middle of a horrendous storm.  He took action when Jesus told him to come.  He stepped out in the middle of his storm.  He focused on Jesus.  Wow!  What an amazing, yet simple thing to do.  Well, I’m still distraught in my storm, but I’ve come to realize that when we aren’t casting our cares and praising God’s name and having mustard seed faith we get swallowed up and don’t have a fighting chance to keep hope alive.  I hope you find your anchor in the storms of life.