Tomorrow marks 13 years since my husband and I lost our second child (third in line) to miscarriage. I cannot begin to tell you how shocking it is to realize so much time has already passed since that day we were in our car headed to Minnesota for a wedding. After having lost a child in 2007, I hoped I'd never have to experience the devastating heartache of a miscarriage again. However, on September 19, 2009, as life would have it, I began to bleed and I knew deep down that our little one was gone. The despair and heart-wrenching sorrow were awful. Tony and I spent the week he had taken off for the trip to Minnesota, mostly at home, grieving. Grief has a way of ebbing and flowing, overwhelming and then settling to a quiet background murmur. It can smack you in the face or creep up in a moment of quiet reflection. Today, as I consider the loss of my son and the many other losses I have encountered in September, I realize that, though I am utterly without understanding of the reasons for the hurts, losses and sorrows, I can still "lean not on my own understanding." Sometimes even trust is really a matter of faith.
I am thankful that, even for the extremely brief time I carried Tobias James within me, I am his mother and he is my son. He, and our Shannon Noelle, is part of my motherhood, my family, my legacy. I am forever grateful that I am his mom. The joys I missed out on in having him present in my everyday life still cause an ache within me, yet I cannot trade that ache for his presence on Earth. God, in His wisdom, has written his story and mine in this way for a reason. I must learn from that and accept it and grow on.
A song in my playlist feels like a balm in this moment. Praise You In This Storm
Blessings, dear ones.