Memories of Dad: Part VIII

Today marks four months since my dad's death. Those words I wish I didn't need to write. He has been, I imagine, enjoying himself quite a bit these last four months (or however long it's been for him). I have not been enjoying myself. These last four months, and the month before them, have been nothing short of an intense emotional struggle. To some it may appear that I am wholly well and thriving. That is a deception - a facade of sorts. Not by my choice, but because it can be difficult for those on the outside of a situation to fully (or even partially) understand, feel, know what is happening. It is even harder to know how to help, what to say, what to do. For many, it is easier to look on and not engage with those that are hurting, walking a road no one really wants to walk. I have been that person. The one that stays silent or doesn't act on the prompting of the spirit and reach out. I don't want to make the pain worse or cause a rift or overstep or... Or what? Honestly? I am battle weary, tuckered out, torn, tattered...words fail to truly express what is on my insides right now. I can't tell you the battles that rage in my heart, my home, my marriage, my family, etc. They have multiplied, grown, mutated. The life that was is no longer in so many ways. It has new boundaries or maybe no boundaries. To be in my shoes is to be in a spot that feels almost constantly like I'm in a leaking rowboat tossed about by wind and rain without so much as a teaspoon to help me bail. A word, a note, a coffee, a hug, so many little things could be my bailing teaspoon. What I know is that a genuine caring heart doesn't need to do much to easily exhibit itself. Find those places where you can reach out and bless and encourage those around you, even (when necessary) in your own pain and heartache.

My father did such a cool thing in 2020. He dressed up as Santa for our kiddos. He was quite often on the lookout for ways to bless and love on our quartet. In 2020, his blessing involved dressing as Santa. He even dressed as Santa twice so we could take pictures of him with the kids. He had a genuine love for so many in his sphere of influence, especially my mom, his children (and children-in-law), and his grandchildren. I only hope that I can pass on a little of that to those around me, especially my immediate family. I hope you enjoy the following photos.