Quiet in His Love

Hope...can be fleeting. It can come and go in a split second. It can settle around your shoulders like a cloak of comfort. Oh, those are the days! When hope comes in, as if carried by two bluebirds from Snow White , and wraps around you and ministers to your heart...that is a good day! Even if it only stays for an hour or two, it is hope and it starts to take root in your heart. Hope says, "It isn't hopeless. I'm here. I'm with you. I can help you get through this." Hope is a messenger sent from our Father to give us, well, hope. He sends those moments, those hours, those days...to give us a foothold or, perhaps, a toehold. Sometimes that's all we need to get us through the next lightless moment, the next challenge, the next storm. Oh yes...hope..it comes for us...even when it "feels" like it won't be back...it comes. Hang on to that, friends! Grab it and hang on tight. Snuggle in to it. Breathe in its fragrance. Soak your fingers and toes in it....

Some days are more of a struggle than others. It all depends. On what? I'm not even sure I know the answer to that question. I do know that those that I share with are very encouraging and that they believe that I will find help and hope. I need both. Truly. Each day feels different and none of them feel "normal." Bits and pieces feel "normal" but never the whole day. I want to see miracles and joy sprout from this time. I want to be able to look back on this season and say God got me through, family got me through, friends got me through. There needs to be a pot of "gold" at the end of this rainbow. So much of who I am is suppressed or overwrought or confused right now. I feel as though I live in a haze of Hallmark movies and naps, with a little bit of living thrown in for good measure. It's a struggle. My own mind is not so comfortable right now...not such a lovely place to be. Yet, there must be help and hope out there for me and for others like...

I'm sitting here in my living room thinking about the list of events happening this week. The events that I need to drive to. Places my children need to be. An event my husband doesn't want to miss by doing the driving. It isn't the fear of driving that gets me. It's the fear of having an attack...a panic attack. It sucks! Blunt...yes. True...100 times yes. Questions swirl...Why...? I have no answers. Only more questions. More worries. More roadblocks. More hurdles to find a way around since jumping over them feels beyond impossible. This is not me. Yet, it is happening inside me. What will help? Better food choices? More sleep? Walks every day? Less caffeine? More water? Oh how I wish I had answers. Praying feels undoable...feels forced...feels unwieldy. This is not me. Where is the lady who likes to meet a friend for coffee? The lady who enjoys a drive out in the country? The lady who enjoys taking her family to the places they need to go? The lady who can and has bee...

Today, I am living challenged. I am challenged by anxiety, by stress, by my mind. Have you ever been challenged by those things? It feels as though the whole world, at least in your mind, is spinning completely out of control. I hate it. Most people, I think, don't want to talk about anxiety, about worry, about fear. It makes them look weak or less somehow. Why? Should it? Does it need to? Oh, if only... If only we could all pretend all the time that everything is "perfect." Would that help the situation? Change the reality? No. It would be a lie. Nobody wants that. I hope not anyway. Oh, friends, please be kind to yourself and others. This road I am on feels long, uneven, filled with potholes, scattered with booby traps, and hard...so very hard. When life narrows to a small focus and it feels like every thing that used to be a joy no longer is, you may feel the need to throw your hands up and cry out. It's okay to do so. Truly. I won't judge you...hopefully other...

It's been too long since I've hopped on here and shared my heart with all of you. Life, lately, has felt overwhelming, scary, anxiety-ridden. Things that normally don't get me worked up or cause anxiety in me have started to again. Strong anxiety and even panic attacks have been an on-again off-again thing with me over the years...even in my teens. Now, as a woman almost halfway through my forties, I feel as though I should be a "big girl" with a certificate of graduation from all things anxiety and fear. Honestly, I think sometimes my increase in age also contributes to my increase in anxiety and fear and "Oh wow, I messed up and can't do it over" moments. Why? Can I blame hormones? Maybe. Can I blame too much caffeine? Probably a contributor. Can I blame Satan? I imagine on some level I can. Can I blame...? Will placing blame help me in this moment? Unlikely. What will help me? Refocusing... Yes, refocusing. At least, it will help to some degree. Y...